As many have you may have noticed I have not been well lately. My life just seems to get worse and worse. I don't understand how things got this bad this quickly. I've been really evasive and erratic which has only added to the stress. Apparently there are rumors; its unfortunate members of our class are so fond of spreading rumors. On Thursday the doctor encouraged me to be less secretive, hence this WebCT posting.
I still don't want to discuss all the details, suffice to say that bad things keep happening to me, I don't understand it all but it has made my life as an MBA student unbearable. I don't feel comfortable in the lounge, in the hallways, in the classroom, in the gym, on the bus, waiting before job interviews. I have trouble looking people in the eye; I just stare at the ground. I'm going to the island for my grandfather's funeral, I don't know if I'll come back.
I'm suffering from depression and now anxiety attacks. I am going to counseling and they have me on medication. This has been going on for weeks. I made it through Period 2 because I didn't want to let any of my teammates down. The break was anything but restful for me. Right now teams are still forming so I have to make a decision this weekend, so I don't drag any teammates down with me. I truly wish things could get better but they only seem to get worse.
I don't want to withdraw, but it appears to be the only way to reduce the stress I'm under. I've worked so hard. I've been doing well grade wise despite everything. I seem to be popular with my classmates even with my eccentricities. Lots of people want to work with me so I must be a good teammate. I've also worked really hard on behalf of the class getting guest speakers and building the brand. I've even helped out students when I can though I don't have much of a business background. I just do all the readings and write summaries. I always try to help people, which according to the doctor may be part of my problems.
I used to have hopes and dreams. Now I don't even want to get out of bed, I'm so filled with despair. I can't see how I can go on like this; I just don't see things getting any better. No one I've talked to has offered me any hope of a better Period 3. Maybe if my grandfather hadn't died suddenly on Saturday. Maybe if I'd had a happier last few years prior to the MBA. The MBA was supposed to be a new beginning for me, something to get my life back on track. Instead to use Steve Keller's new favorite word it has become hellacious. All I do now is worry and stress 24 hours a day. I can't sleep. I continue to lose weight, which normally I'd be happy about but I honestly worry so much I forget to eat and I don't have much of an appetite anyway when I do remember to eat.
I want to publicly thank Gary Lau who has been a true friend. My problems seem to have become his problems, which is another reason to withdraw. I never wanted to cause anyone any grief. I never imagined anything like this would happen, and I'm the most pessimistic person I know. It has absolutely devastated me. I don't think I'll ever recover or be happy again. I'm so sorry and so sad.
Many other people have offered to help, but apparently "nothing can be done". If anyone has any suggestions or words of encouragement they can send them to me at andrew [at] muschamp.ca I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking this weekend. All I seem to do anymore is think and none of my thoughts are happy.
I leave you all with another Townes Van Zandt quotation, perhaps from the saddest song I've ever heard:
"Sorrow and Solitude, These are the precious things, And the only words, That are worth remembering."
Music has always been my means to cope, but even music offers me little
PS The song is called Nothin' I put a cover of it on the CD I made Gary during the break. I tried not to put too many 'downer' songs on it but perhaps I failed at that too. Nothing seems to go right for me anymore.
PPS I'm not suicidal or homicidal though I was distraught at being accused of being both in counseling, counseling isn't very comforting either.